HAPPINESS

I am one would pre-plans, even though I think Im spotaneous, I over anyalze over pointless problems and pointless people. I rethink and hold on to things that the common man would have let go. As it seems I have been pre destined for a bitter lifestyle, yet the general idea about me is that I am this happy go lucky fun and friendly girl...and I am. Dont get me wrong, I dont go fishing for drama, or beef and if I told my story from the beginning (one day I will) you wouldnt understand how I havent already been tainted with a bittertaste. Everday we have things that go on in our lives that if we so chose and can take us on a detour of the path that we are destined to take, or is it our destiny to take the detour? I dont think so, I believe those small things that when combined with our emotions turn catastrophic are the complications we choose. Maybe we want the detour because we ourselves are afraid of the path that lies ahead of us? Let me bring it back home to me..I am terrified of the path ahead so let me build up something out of nothing to prevent my forward movement. Now this is for the things we can help. Some things are actually in your making and it wont stop your forward movement though it is pretty painful as well. Such as, my father leaving my mother and his 3 girls for a 25 year old woman in our church who also went to school with me, and was my mothers best friends daughter...sounds like a episode of Jerry Springer right? I promise its the truth. Ironically, this didnt stop forward movement because though he tried to cause pain (and he did) and was really selfish he freed all of us from his reign of control and emotional abuse, his family who despises us and any progress we made and now we can move forward. Rather than my father (the pastor) force religion down my throat, I am now in a place where I have to find God on my own, and every meeting with HIM I know its not because Im gonna get punished if I dont, but its because I feel the tugging on my own. If some of the church people find themselves reading this and feel like well, Ive left the church and am doing my own thing, I wouldnt wish the embarassment from the Church people or being kicked out the church...on fathers day so your father can marry another woman on anyone..but try and picture that, and dont be quick to see and not really see. And though I am pressing my way and dealing with that, I think..wait I KNOW Im more real than those who have pretended that everything is okay with that situation and have accepted the new first lady and excommunicated us...even those who have turned a deaf ear and pretended that it didnt happen..how can you be our brothers and sisters and not acknowledge our pain? But I digress and will move on from that. I said all that to say...with that ridiculous situation and the fact that after we were kicked out the church in 2006, I havent heard from that side of the family except for my father who only causes pain with every conversation, trying to teach me in a controlling and condensending way. Every conversation I have with that man I end up in tears..so I have since decided not to converse for my development, because I dont want to be bitter and because life is too short. Iam ready to continue my path.
I was hanging out with a friend and noticed that his default face is a frown, I asked him about it and he said he didnt know why and that maybe it was stress. I then responded well, you cant be stressed all the time, things are gonnna happen and you have to take things one day at a time. If youre gonna stress all the time and think about things over and over that you cant handle yet, you will never experience happiness. As I said that I begin to think about all the things I described about myself in the beginning, and I need to follow my own advice. I remember I quote from a annoymous author " Happiness is not a destination to arrive at, but a means of traveling" You cant reach a place of happiness, or you will never be there. There is no place that says 'ok this is happiness', you have to have that in you, no matter what. It has to be a promise, the promise that I made to myself. Dont use unhappiness to stunt my growth or journey. Happiness has to be in spite of the road blocks, the had times. And yes I will feel, pain..its necessary, I will feel sad...its necessary, I will feel tired...its necessary. But those will be in between my happiness and not the other way around. Because those are just "Simple Complications".....Welcome to my blog.